A local Doc came to me this week to see if I could help him come up with a new campaign to try and combat the growing problem of obesity amongst his patients. He said he wanted something subtle, motivating and that would kick-start change. I came up with the above. The Doc had some initial doubts, but as soon as we ironed them out in a headlock deadlock he loved it. Good luck Doc – let me know how it goes.

When Becky came to me, complaining of regularly feeling light headed I knew I had to take serious action. I built her this special machine which not only helps keep her arms, stomach and lower back in top shape, but most importantly, keeps the blood in her brain.

She might be a local laughing stock, but despite a notably redder face, Becky wants everyone to know she isn’t remotely embarrassed. She feels great!

Wei came to me wanting to get fitter in the hope it may help find him a job. During Wei’s warm up breathing exercises I spotted an irregularity which I turned in to an opportunity – Now I push Wei to the max every time, making sure he leaves me ‘breathing’ heavy.

Knowing that Wei passes ‘Balloon Monsoon’ on his way home, I put the two in touch. At his most exhausted, Wei can now blow up 72 balloons in 4 minutes. They’re chuffed with his puff and are only too happy to pay for it. ‘Wee’ Wei’s makin’ some serious mon-wei.

I’m thinking of starting a new rowing machine class. But first we need to define rowing. ‘Rowing’ means different things to different people here in the UK. But I reckon the two don’t have to be mutually exclusive!

With my new class, I want to give warring couples a chance to row whilst they row. And with the ‘rowing rowing’ machines placed opposite each other, couples can keep meeting in the middle for a more intense ‘shout off’.

Finally a class that let’s you get the stuff off your chest, but also your arms and legs too. I can’t think of a better way to Work It Out.

Join my American football camp training  class:  GRID IRON at Holborn, Wednesdays at noon starting in April!!!  You will work harder than a freshman draft pick in spring season training.  I’ll make you a Tight End before you know it. If you think you can survive rock up for it!

At last! We’ve all worked it out with the snow and spring is knocking on our doors. This is vital prep time – summer’s around the corner and you’ll soon be on a beach somewhere, chowing down on a lolli-chop in your swimming costume.

There ain’t no place to hide in a bikini or speedos – they’re pretty much body cling-wrap.

Don’t be that gross schmuck on the beach that everyone’s pointin’ and whisperin’ about. Call Gym Box and get yourself Venice beach ready with the Pillar today

Hey Nutrionalites,

I thought I’d share this old newspaper article with you, so you know the Pillar has always been killer when it comes to sandwich filler.

http://articles.latimes.com/2003/sep/04/news/wk-alt4

Canter’s deli couldn’t understand why everyone had suddenly gone cold turkey with their warm turkey. They needed to shift some serious bird quick, so called me in. I fused it with coleslaw, melted muenster cheese, concentrated Yuk puree and some Russian dressing. After a slow start, they took out the Yuk puree and something suddenly clicked – the sandwich was a hit, and to say thanks, they’ve named it after me! Cheers guys!

Look what I found! This is a new plate from Japan which should hit the UK early 2013. It counts the calories so you don’t have to. But I’m worried; look at the prototype pic; they’ve only got three digits on the calorie counter??!! Also, a plate that size wouldn’t house even an 1/8^th of a Pillar portion.

Don’t these people realise I haven’t already got enough on my plate? Needs more work guys.

These guys have got in touch with me, hoping to launch a new brand of water-weight bottle. The all new ‘Plutonium Water Bottle’ range.

Plastic is out and Plutonium is in! It’s the densest, heaviest metal known to man; which the company hope will give their customers a harder, more intense work out.  They also want to fill the new bottles with Rhino charge!
There are a few small teething problems; Rhino Charge stored in plutonium dissolves teeth, but the manufacturers are confident they can overcome this and are working around the clock to get the range in a sports shop near you soon.

On a nutrition mission but got no time?

You can knock this bad boy up real quick. You will need:

14 x tins of economy Spam

42 x Large Scotch Eggs

70 x Lasagne Sheets.

5 x Jars of ‘Dolmio Big Chunk’ Sauce.

A large oven.

Place the lasagne sheets in boiling water for 8 minutes until soft enough to roll. During this time, open the economy spam tins into a large bowl, ensuring you squeeze all the spam through your fingers thoroughly. This doesn’t do anything; it just feels good while you’re waiting for those lasagne sheets.

Drain lasagne sheets and lay out. Empty Spam contents on and roll. You should get 2 large Spamalloni rolls from these ingredients. Find an abnormally large oven dish and place on your newly rolled goodness. Pour over the Dolmio Big Chunk and cook in the oven for 35 minutes on Gas Mark 6.

Serve on a bed of scotch egg for a truly tasty carb-onated treat.