Join my American football camp training  class:  GRID IRON at Holborn, Wednesdays at noon starting in April!!!  You will work harder than a freshman draft pick in spring season training.  I’ll make you a Tight End before you know it. If you think you can survive rock up for it!

At last! We’ve all worked it out with the snow and spring is knocking on our doors. This is vital prep time – summer’s around the corner and you’ll soon be on a beach somewhere, chowing down on a lolli-chop in your swimming costume.

There ain’t no place to hide in a bikini or speedos – they’re pretty much body cling-wrap.

Don’t be that gross schmuck on the beach that everyone’s pointin’ and whisperin’ about. Call Gym Box and get yourself Venice beach ready with the Pillar today

Hey Nutrionalites,

I thought I’d share this old newspaper article with you, so you know the Pillar has always been killer when it comes to sandwich filler.

http://articles.latimes.com/2003/sep/04/news/wk-alt4

Canter’s deli couldn’t understand why everyone had suddenly gone cold turkey with their warm turkey. They needed to shift some serious bird quick, so called me in. I fused it with coleslaw, melted muenster cheese, concentrated Yuk puree and some Russian dressing. After a slow start, they took out the Yuk puree and something suddenly clicked – the sandwich was a hit, and to say thanks, they’ve named it after me! Cheers guys!

Look what I found! This is a new plate from Japan which should hit the UK early 2013. It counts the calories so you don’t have to. But I’m worried; look at the prototype pic; they’ve only got three digits on the calorie counter??!! Also, a plate that size wouldn’t house even an 1/8^th of a Pillar portion.

Don’t these people realise I haven’t already got enough on my plate? Needs more work guys.

These guys have got in touch with me, hoping to launch a new brand of water-weight bottle. The all new ‘Plutonium Water Bottle’ range.

Plastic is out and Plutonium is in! It’s the densest, heaviest metal known to man; which the company hope will give their customers a harder, more intense work out.  They also want to fill the new bottles with Rhino charge!
There are a few small teething problems; Rhino Charge stored in plutonium dissolves teeth, but the manufacturers are confident they can overcome this and are working around the clock to get the range in a sports shop near you soon.

On a nutrition mission but got no time?

You can knock this bad boy up real quick. You will need:

14 x tins of economy Spam

42 x Large Scotch Eggs

70 x Lasagne Sheets.

5 x Jars of ‘Dolmio Big Chunk’ Sauce.

A large oven.

Place the lasagne sheets in boiling water for 8 minutes until soft enough to roll. During this time, open the economy spam tins into a large bowl, ensuring you squeeze all the spam through your fingers thoroughly. This doesn’t do anything; it just feels good while you’re waiting for those lasagne sheets.

Drain lasagne sheets and lay out. Empty Spam contents on and roll. You should get 2 large Spamalloni rolls from these ingredients. Find an abnormally large oven dish and place on your newly rolled goodness. Pour over the Dolmio Big Chunk and cook in the oven for 35 minutes on Gas Mark 6.

Serve on a bed of scotch egg for a truly tasty carb-onated treat.

Some of you new starters are worried you might stick out like a sore thumb in the gym and are desperate to learn the lingo; here’s a few phrases I sometimes hear;

“That’s not fat, it’s soft muscle.”

“I’m just watching these light weights for a friend”

“What goes sit-up, must go sit-down”

But who wants those? That’s gym talk of a quitter. So hit ‘em with this instead, “I’m part of the Pillar revolution, are you?”

I have saved a fortune this month since I installed my ‘Power Wheel’. It now directly powers all the electrical items in my flat from the TV to the Yuk Blender. This baby brings a whole new meaning to ‘Man Power’.

It has saved me a fortune in electricity bills and I would recommend it to anyone who doesn’t mind sitting in the dark after a hard day.

Love thy neighbour? Then put those prying eyes to use with my new NeighbourFood Watch scheme. Next time you are poke-nosing through the dining room window of the house opposite, check what’s on their plate. If you don’t see at least 2 of their 5 a day on there, you call me.

With my new blades I can be anywhere in London in 1 ½ half minutes for a Pillar Pep Talk.

Just call 0800-NO-VEG. Calls cost 35p from landlines, mobiles may be higher.

Guys, here’s something you CAN chew on – you can either sit in a cold school hall with those other Weight Watchers and ‘fess up to the forbidden points in that curly-wurly you sneaked, or you come see me – where the only weight you’ll be watching, will be that which is coming off.

And with the Pillar’s Point System, the more points the better!

10 star jumps = 2,536 points
10 squat thrusts = 5,437 points
Laughing = No points. But that’s what you’ll be doing; in those Weight Watcher’s faces.

Another no brainer, from London’s top trainer.